Shut Up, Please »

When the second half of the concert began, she and one of the men were gone, but Herr Air Piano was back. Worse still, he was now seated directly in front of me. The first time he lifted his arm to simulate a luxuriant glissando I tapped him on the shoulder and told him to stop. The second time he did it, I grabbed him by the forearm, forcefully yanked it down and said, ‘If you do that one more time, I’ll break your arm off at the shoulder. I swear to God.’

Joe Queenan on the astounding amount of disruptive assholes found at Classical concerts.